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Showing posts from May, 2020

A Brave New World - The END of Lockdown

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Yours truly has come out of hibernation, and has been thrust - completely unprepared - into a population that has been separated into two distinct sections - cannon fodder, and the comfortables.


The comfortables are those with secure, regular white collar jobs who have been largely untouched by the current situation. There's no trips to the match, pub, or expensive restaurant obviously, but that's been compensated for by huge household savings, and therefore a huge increase in expenditure on food and alcohol at home. Comfortables could feasibly be converted into cannon-fodder in due course, when the bosses and shareholders have to start reaching into their own pockets to pay salaries, and decide it's time to pull up the drawbridge and make people redundant. The comfortables are pretty much insulated from the effects of the Sars-Cov-2 virus, both in economic and infection terms for the time being.

The cannon-fodder makes up the remainder of the population. Largely forced to w…

Sudden light at the end of the tunnel - LOCKDOWN Week 8

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A week ago, as if by magic, the UK government simply decided to appease all the armchair economists out there, split the union into 4 distinct territories, and send millions of English saps back to work as.........well, a bit of an experiment really. It fell upon the most at-need, and vulnerable in our society to test the waters, and consequently put themselves in the position (as usual) of having to be Guinea Pigs in a huge pool of potential harm. All the middle-class bullshit being touted on social media platforms regarding the continuity of peaceful lifestyles discovered during lockdown, a permanent reduction in pollution levels, and a potential return to almost Anglo-Saxon models of community harmony was hoofed right in the old Betty Swollocks in one bewildering speech given by a Churchill impersonator last Sunday, and thus the capital-owners ordered it's labour to attend to it's duties as if nothing had happened. There were a few scant details about staying alert (me neit…

Trouble with sunshine

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The assumption in property photography circles, is that bright, direct sunshine is always the best option for shooting houses. Unlike the millions of £2K a day “interiors photographers” – who seem to be able to talk their way into shooting LA kitchens for lifestyle magazines all year round, I’m working on a budget and timescale which means that I can’t ever pick the kids up from school, can’t book a holiday, and have to shop at Aldi. To be brief – I go where I’m told, when I’m told. This means that I don’t have the luxury of being able to shoot anything over the course of a full day, and this results in me having to negotiate the problem of the sun being in the most difficult of positions while doing luxury property photography – usually glaring straight into the camera from behind the fascia of a lovely house. There are a number of options to deal with the situation, and keep the exterior shots looking great: Change the time of the shoot – The simplest and most logical method if you h…

Villa on a budget

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One of the dream jobs out there must be the Villa Photographer. There are a select few, who spend periods of the year shooting luxury property in Florida, Spain, Cyprus etc whilst living the high life in the sun. One of my ex-tutors at Newcastle College is one such lucky devil. He spends a portion of the year playing golf, and photographing holiday property in the Costa Del Sol. He’s a great photographer with a lifetime of commercial photography behind him. I used to assist him on the odd interior shoot, and learned a whole bunch of stuff about lighting rooms. He used to pay me in medium format tungsten-balanced slide film (which I never used), but the experience was invaluable. I have to say now though - I'm way ahead in shooting style. Sorry Boomer.
Anyway, being the father of two young children, I can’t go galavanting across the continent trying to pick up Spanish clients (it’s bloody hard enough here), so I have to make do with shooting the odd thing for fun if I’m staying ther…

The state of things to come - LOCKDOWN Week 7

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It's now blatantly clear (to me anyway) that the Suburbans are gradually being prepped to get back to work by some very insidious narratives being rolled out by the media barons and subsequently, the awful tory government that are propped up by them. The news outlets are obviously suffering like every business, but they have a huge advantage in being able to persuade the less imaginative, and less-independent-thinking members of the population to act against their own interests by hammering home the idea that the pursuit of income should always be placed ahead of the lives of hundreds of thousands of undeserving serfs - who can always be replaced with a never-ending supply of new undeserving serfs from the pool of newly-unemployed generated by the current economic hiatus. The Chancellor's statement that workers are now becoming "addicted" to the furlough scheme after a few weeks is frankly a disgrace at best, and at worst, a damning insult and betrayal of the million…

VE Day - Remembering those we've lost.

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As most of us endure a relatively stress-free "lockdown" - sitting in our PJ's, scratching our respective, collective genitalia, and stuffing cheese Quavers down our holes while watching back-to-back episodes of "only fools and horses", time marches relentlessly onwards. (although those of you familiar with any of the simpler bits of special relativity will recognise that time can also be construed as being constantly at rest while we travel at the speed of light through the universe). History tells us that seventy five years ago today, the allied armed forces in Europe accepted the formal surrender of Nazi Germany at a meeting in Berlin, after an initial surrender was agreed upon in France a day earlier by everyone except the Russians. The end of the war in Europe came to be known as VE Day (Victory in Europe). It certainly wasn't a cessation in worldwide hostilities, with the conflict still raging in the Pacific theatre, but nevertheless it marked the end…

The Lunatics are taking over the asylum - LOCKDOWN Week 6

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Along with the dickhead bulk-buyers - who have collectively stripped the nation's shops of essential items so that they can maintain stockpiles of three months supplies, the other category of loathsome human beings I'm currently out of love with are the sheep.
The sheep read articles online, and hear snippets & soundbites of "news" from various sources, then combine those snippets into unlikely scenarios in their tiny minds, and set out to act upon mitigating the apocalyptic visions that have been created in the aforementioned vacuous cavities at everybody else's expense. This week's call to arms for the ovine masses was the reopening of council waste facilities. The news recently went out that after a hiatus of a few weeks, certain local authority recycling centres were going to be opened to the public with sensible restrictions & conditions imposed - conditions which catered to the more urgent requirements of certain members of the public who perhaps…