Here we go again....again.
Having fully recovered from my mild cold in late November, I can now finally reveal that there is no actual pandemic - it's all a fake thing - designed to force you to bow down to libertarians who plan to take over the economy and use you as disposable labour. The injection of mind-controlling nano-chips, manufactured by Bill Gates, and disguised as a vaccine, will accelerate the process. Alongside this there's a conspiracy involving a massive group of high profile paedo's who have a network of underground bunkers housing the bodies of millions of sacrificed children - whose blood is piped worldwide to Joe Biden's followers in order that they may drink their life-essence to maintain their own youth. The communists have just ousted the only hero who could have stopped them by rigging an election. Has it really come to this?
Anyway, the latest "lockdown", and the tangential restrictions flying in all directions have now made things almost impossible to manage, with my primary school nipper, (having been in school last week as a key worker child) now having to stay at home to play on an X-Box all day until July. If you'd followed the first, and second attempts at my home-based education regime, you'd have realised the futility of my efforts, as the psychology of an ten year old SEN student proved to be more complex than yours truly could accommodate. With each passing day, the routine established itself as follows:
- Set up the computer, and any worksheets with about 3 hours of planned tasks as loosely set by the school.
- Log on, and get him to do 5 minutes of whatever under 1-1 supervision.
- Attempt to deal with a child who refuses to even attempt to have a go, using encouragement, soft conversation, pleading, and positive reinforcement.
- Try to hold back the rage building up inside as absolutely nothing you works.
- Lose your temper when he purposely calculates that 5 minus 3 is 5 knowing exactly how you'll react....and watch your subsequent handywork cause a ten year old boy to retreat into himself.
- Remove all electronic devices & privileges from boy's possession until he agrees to comply with your meagre requests.
- Watch as the aforementioned boy sits under the dining room table, rocking back and forth with his thumb in his mouth - non-stop, for 6 hours.
- Feel your chest hurt, your heart beat increase, and forget that you were ever happy with your life as you spend the rest of the day trying to overcome guilt, the feeling of absolute failure, and manage to completely ignore your older child who just gets on with the work set by her school.
- Wait until your wife gets in from her fulfilling, full-time job in education, and silently berates your pathetic, waste of yet another day, thus reinforcing the fact that you are a loser and not an adequate parent.
- Attempt to get 3 hours of sleep, wake up feeling the dread of another day...and repeat every weekday for 8 weeks.
The press usually illustrate any article involving home-learning by embedding a stock picture of a middle class, nuclear family collaborating excitedly in front of a laptop - revelling in the enjoyment of educating at home. I'll give them a fucking photo if they want one.